"Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you."
Colossians 3:13, NIV
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This step is not fun or easy, but it's so worth it. It comes down to forgiveness of myself first and then the people who I had harmed. I have to forgive them...and love them as Jesus loves and forgives me (with all my "stuff.") if this step is going to be meaningful and everlasting.
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In other words, I have to step out of judgement and justification/rationalization of how "they deserved" my attitude or whatever I had done to hurt them. I look at MY part in the problem...and not only apologize but make every attempt to live in the solution, which is a "living amends".
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One simple example is when my children were small. I used to yell at them unmercifully! Yes, they were doing things that didn't please me, but they certainly didn't deserve my attitude or my outlandish behavior! I apologized but then had to STOP YELLING. That was the hard part!!!
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I have to humbly admit, too, I did the apologizing bit for two years (2 times when I hit this step in my step study) but nothing changed. On the third year (my third time working through the l2-steps), one of my children looked me straight in the eyes and said (I remember this like it was yesterday), "Mom, why do you keep telling me that but still do it?" OUCH, OUCH, OUCH!!! My heart sunk to the floor when I realized that I was not truly "working" this step.
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If nothing changes, nothing changes.
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After that, I actually stopped yelling. They have told me that they don't remember my yelling today. Thank You, God.
2 comments:
Hi Pam,
There have been so many times when I have been wrong, but I have justified what I was doing because I felt someone else was doing something wrong. As you hear in the 12 Step rooms, we are just responsible for keeping our side of the street clean. Just because someone else may not be keeping theirs clean doesn't absolve us of our responsibility. Often, though, when we do our amends work of apologizing and then following up with the right behavior, it has a profound effect on others and they start to change also.
There is a booklet that I read years ago and credit with saving my marriage. It is all about this principle. It is called "Why Do I Have to Be the First to Change?" It is available free online. Here is a link:
http://www.kingshighway.org/plain_and_simple/first_to_change/
:O) Christine
Christine,
Boy, I hear you. When I keep the focus on myself, everything changes. And I'm not sure how much others actually change or if it's just my impression of them that changes.
It comes down to acceptance and surrender. Letting others be responsible for their stuff is so freeing!
That book sounds interesting. I will check it out.
Love,
Pam<><
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