Step One: I admitted I was/am powerless over food (and anything else that separates me from God); my life was/is unmanageable.
"I am completely discouraged--I lie in the dust..." (Psalm 119:25, The Living Bible)
In the 12-step programs, we read, "We" when quoting the steps, but I make it personal and use "I" because in my opinion this is really between me and God. Although I see that addicts ("we") love and support each other and that's certainly helpful, alone in the privacy of my 4-walls, it is me and God who makes the decisions to react appropriately or not. (re: His will versus my nature--my will).
When I was ready to surrender (finally--after years of trying to do it "my" way), I came to the table broken and alone--desperate and dying. I WAS COMPLETELY DISCOURAGED--I had tried and tried and tried, but despite all my intelligent reasoning and a willing spirit, my flesh was weak. I just couldn't do it.
Reminds me of Paul in Romans...."I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out." (Romans 7:18)
Woe is me! (paraphrased)...Who will save me? Oh, Jesus, my Lord, You can do for me what I cannot do for myself!
Jesus had introduced me to AA and I knew when I walked through the doors that the same addictive solution could work for me, but I didn't know at the time that my "drugs" were more than the obvious (junk food)...
Recovering from food addiction (for me) is abstaining from sugar, flour and wheat and not overeating. Until I was willing to give up all those foods, plus artificial sweeteners and extra food, I could not get free. I learned what I needed to do on a daily basis by listening to successfully abstinent people in 90dayOA, getting a sponsor and working the tools each day.
After I got abstinent, I was invited to attend an indepth study of the steps meeting, and I got the willingness to look at the other things that kept me feeling distanced from God. I wasn't a "terrible" person, but I had threads of dishonesty, talked about other people in order to feel better about myself, had (and still can have) control issues and can be overly co-dependent (caretaking) and more.
As I work the steps as an ongoing way-of-life, I see different ways that I fall short of being God's best, and I later see what God wants me to do to come up higher. I do accept the fact that there is no perfect this side of heaven, but I am happier living the surrendered life.
Realization (owning my truth) is the first step.
4 comments:
This was a good reminder of where I came from. Our marriage counselor had said once, "Don't forget where you came from". And that has kept me from assuming I'm doing this myself and I'm doing so good, mentality. I am a food addict, I was desperate, ashamed, searching for the right thing to click and turn me around. I felt hopeless and depressed alot of the time and then at other times I was prideful that I was doing the right things, again and again. I know the verse well about knowing the right thing to do but not being able to do it. And knowing what not to do but doing it anyway.
I remember after another binge, looking online to see if other people did this like me, I was desparate and despondent. I found your website and felt hope. I became abstinent from sugar and flour for 3 months. This was "my plan" and I lost some weight and felt "I was doing and being good". But, something got me off course and "my plan" slipped and I had to learn this is a 3-fold program. I went back to your website and learned alot more and didn't just pick and choose :). I admitted I was a food addict which was hard. Admitting I was a sugar addict wasn't hard, it was obvious :). And then when I heard, Acceptance is the answer to all my problems today--I was set free. And in the AA big book there was a story about an alcoholic who decided to admit he was an alcoholic by saying "okay, Lord, I may be in some way, to some degree, at certain times, somewhat of an alcoholic". That was his way of admitting and accepting and it was funny but it worked also.
I mourned the fact that I was an addict, as you know, and now I am joyous, happy, and free, with so much more to learn...very smily. :)
I was just talking with someone today about surrender. She asked me what I thought it was. I said to me, surrender is a moment by moment thing. It is when we yield the throne of our hearts to the Lord's leading instead of our sinful nature. Our sinful nature makes decisions based on feelings. It is usually leading us to back off a bit from the radical road the Lord calls us to, the Calvary Road, the way of the cross. When we yield each moment to the Lord, to His Spirit within us, we become more like Jesus. He leads us down roads that we think we are not strong enough for, and we are correct in that estimation, we are not!! But, then He provides the strength for what He has called us to, and step by step our lives become something we could never have formed them into in our own power.
I am grateful today for His direction and His strength to carry it out. I am truly powerless without Him!!
:o) Christine
Angie,
I hear you. Me, too. I sometimes seem to forget where I came from. Although, lots of 12-step work keeps me pretty grounded to the truth that sets me free each new day.
Thanks for sharing your testimony and your joy with us. This is the easier softer way!
Love,
Pam<><
Christine,
Amen...God's the answer. What's the question?
For me, too, surrender has been a trip for certain, but the end results are always, ALWAYS worth every bit of effort/pain!
God certainly has His hand on His children. I am learning and accepting that more and more and more.
Sad to say that it's the road less traveled... sad because it leads to so much joy! Why wouldn't anyone want that? It's a mystery to me.
Oh, been there, done that. It was not easy to hit the end of the road that led no where... (going around and around the mountain, so to speak).
I am happy today that I got off that wheel... I am praying that more will will join us on the other side.
Love,
Pam<><
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